Fine and Great

It is quiet time.  Luke is napping.  I am sitting on the sofa, listening to vintage Sara Bareilles that reminds me of Viv's babyhood. Vivian asked for last day of summer vacation backyard tent quiet time - I can hear her reading and talking to her stuffed bear, Little Bill.  I can see the tent wiggle as she readjusts her pillow and blankets.

On Monday my girlie starts kindergarten.  For months I have felt nervous and worried and excited about this transition.  But just today I started really feeling those things.  I didn't realize those feelings had been so superficial until today, when they wiggled into all my nerve endings and now I can't deny we are doing this and this is happening.

Everybody says she'll be fine.  They say she'll do great.  And you know, it's true.  Big picture, Vivian will be fine and she'll do great.

I have finally figured out that most of my nerves and worry stem from me wondering if I have what it takes to be what my daughter needs as we venture into this new territory.  Do I have the emotional reserves to ride the waves of whatever may come?  To advocate and educate and patiently persevere in pushing my personal limitations? Does my heart have the tenacity to weather elementary heartache?  Do I have it in me to be the calm, steady, soft spot for Vivian to land?  To keep her tethered and connected to me but also to let go more than ever before?

The answer is, of course, yes, yes, yes.

But I am worn out.  The past six years of parenting have been beautiful and amazing...and emotionally exhausting. I can look back and see that I dealt with so many events and emotions just enough to keep moving - to not completely fall apart.  I have not taken care of myself quite enough, I have not dug quite deep enough, I have not reflected quite enough.  As much as I espouse this idea - I have not been great about putting my own oxygen mask first and the cumulative effects of that have caught up with me.

This year is going to open up some space and time for me to do more of those things - to soak in some quiet and solitude and to dig deeper.  In spite of feeling depleted in so many ways, I have confidence that my real deal love for Vivian will carry me to grow and learn and be what she needs, even though it won't be perfect or easy.

And anyone who knows Vivian will probably agree that she will meet new challenges, opportunities and friends with her signature resilience, enthusiasm and flair.  That's just how she came to this earth.  (And I'm so grateful.)  So yes, she'll be fine.  She'll do great.