I had to let go of being pregnant before I was ready to. And I loved being pregnant. I didn't get to get uncomfortable in my pregnant body, nor hear people in the grocery store tell me I looked like I'm about to pop, nor feel twinges in my body and wonder excitedly "Is this it?".
I had to let go of that sweet leaving the hospital scene: the one where the candy striper pushes you out to the curb in a very unnecessary wheelchair, while you smile giddily with baby in the the baby carrier and dad runs to bring the car around. Then you both fumble to put the carrier in the base correctly.
I've chosen to let go of pumping and nursing. It was causing a lot of stress and taking precious time away from just being with Vivian. I never even thought I'd give my child a bottle, let alone formula. Priorities change.
I've had to let go of my hope to have a healthy child--and that's all I wanted-- a healthy baby.
I experience joy, but I've gotten used to each happy moment being twinged with a little worry, a little sadness, a little pain. I don't want to let go of pure, unadulterated joy, but it's on hiatus.
I don't want to let go of the life we've created here in our home. The lovely, quiet way we spend our days. The rhythm of it is beautiful and I don't want it to be interrupted for the ways of the hospital again. Last time Vivian was in the NICU, I didn't know how wonderful it was to have her at home. Now I know, and it makes the separation unfathomable.
When it comes to physically letting go of Vivian for her surgery next week--the actual handing over of my baby--well, I don't know how to do that. I cannot imagine letting go of her. I know I have to, and I know she's going to be in capable hands, but how in the world am I supposed to do this? I can't wrap my mind, or my heart, around that.
Mostly I'm in denial about the whole thing, or as someone reframed it for me: I'm being mindful. Because I know the surgery must be done, and worrying about it won't make it change. It's just that I'm sad I've had to let go of so much, and I'm sad that my sweet and lovely-in-every-way daughter bears the brunt of it.
I hold on with faith and hope that as my hands are open from letting go, they will be filled with new and unexpected blessings life throws our way. I just have to believe that they will.
6 comments:
Oh Hannah, I can't imagine how hard it will be to hand over little Vivian for this surgery. I'll be thinking of you, you are never far from my thoughts these days. Love you.
I'm in tears over here. You express your feelings so beautifully.
It's going to tear you up, but you'll do it because you have to. You will be amazed at how strong your sweet girl is because you (and Vince) made her that way. Your love and your strength (yes, you are very strong) have given her what she needs to get her through this and you will find even more strength knowing that (cause I said so ;)) We love you!
Hannah, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you! I think of you often and wish there was more to do to help ease this worry. I hope you are getting some sleep and taking care of yourself-Vivian will sense this...have faith! Love to you, Vince and Vivian!
Hannah,
My heart breaks for you. I wanted you, beautiful, sweet, amazing, Hannah, to have all of the things you described with a new baby. It didn't turn out that way because beautiful, sweet, amazing baby Vivian needed you sooner than expected. I have faith that everything happens for a reason and is meant to be, whether we understand it now or 5 years from now. My heart, my faith, my thoughts and prayers will be with you for the surgery. Actually, they are with you everyday. I haven't contacted you because I haven't been able to put my feelings down. Truly, I am heart broken over what you and your family are going through. Just being a mom myself and knowing what it is like with a healthy baby, I can only imagine what you have been going through. But what a wonderful gift Vivian is, touching so many lives. Reminding us how important the little things are. Hannah, be strong because you have to, there is no other way to be. Vivian is so lucky to have such an amazing mom. Have faith that everything will be ok, that's all you can do. Faith will pull you through. I think about you and Vivian and your husband all the time. Give your beautiful baby girl a kiss from me and tell her that myself, my family, and even my parents are sending her(and you) our love and prayers.
Sincerely, Katie
Hannah, you said this really beautifully. I think you are going through years and years of motherhood all compressed into short months. I too have had to let go, but I had ever so much longer to get used to the idea. I totally empathize with what you wrote about not getting to be really pregnant - I was sad about that, too. Sending lots of love,
Jessica
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