For a year, the 9ths have meant a celebration of Vivian's birth - a yummy dinner, maybe some candles to blow out, a picture in the brown chair and a letter to my daughter.
This morning I watched the clock move from not knowing to knowing a year ago today. Such a gentle, insignificant tick. And yet I felt compelled to remember how the 24 hours of bliss ended, and the sadness, confusion and desperation that swept in.
Today was a quiet day but I kept busy enough to not dwell, though I certainly revisited - a moment here, a moment there. I ate too much leftover sugar and felt sick. I laughed with my baby and played her new piano (a perfect gift from her very musically talented Granny). I cried a little. I made bottles and changed diapers and cleaned up.
A year ago today we named our daughter. And while I've known for years that she'd be Vivian, Vince had to come around. We both know that we chose the right name for our daughter. She is Vivian, through and through. She has lived through a year of the 10ths with nothing but grace and love and vivaciousness.
I feel ok about going there - there is this part of me that needs to remember - but the ultimate lessons and the ultimate joy comes from being right here, right now - realizing just how far we've come in a year's time; knowing that we're starting in on this second year with contentedly full, connected, healthy hearts. And this time I know I have the strength to continue down this unexpected path.
9 comments:
Dear Hannah,
I can't believe it's been a year since our little Vivi was born. What a lesson in how precious each moment is. Of course you have times that you feel sad and overwhelmed. We don't know why life has given you and Vince these challenges with Vivi. I do know that our children teach us so much and we are all learning and growing along with you.
The joy from our children is not measured on how fast they're growing or keeping up with others, for each child has their own pace. So right now we walk a little slower, dig a little deeper and love her even more.
You and Vince could not be better, more loving parents for Vivian. That's why she chose you.
Look how happy she is !!
I cannot help but share one of my favorite quotes (yes, another one):
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa
Thank you for your encouraging and understanding words, Lorraine. You know I love quotes - and I have to admit, this Mother Teresa quote pops into my mind at least once a week - it makes me smile.
The tears welled in my eyes when I read this post and then fell out when I read Lorraine’s comment. Viv and her loving parents inspire me everyday. As news of Viv's health came rolling in, we always said we couldn't think of two better people and obviously neither could Viv ;) I need to stop reading this when I am at work (sob, sob).
Happy Belated Birthday, Miss Vivian!! It looks like it was quite a celebration and it should have been! Congrats on a whole year. I know for your parents that year went by sooo fast, yet they can't remember their life without your sweet self. You make a very cute one-year-old. I can't wait to see what you show us in this next year.
Hannah, you have to know that I read your most current post with a very knowing, understanding heart. I really like how you put it...."revisited" rather than "dwell." That is a good way to put it. I know I revisit a few instances every year, as you read in my blog. Thank you for sharing about the "tenths." The "tenths" will never outweigh your "ninths," but they will come to your forefront from time to time. That's OK. To more ninths! (And I am holding up a glass of sangria right now). :)
And a twist on the quote your mother-in-law shared (which I liked)....."God doesn't give us what we can handle....he helps us handle what we are given." That one has gotten me through some of my tougher times.
God bless a very special Mommy and her beautiful daughter!
Sara
Thank you! I'm glad the recipes were useful to you on such a special day. :)
As always, so beautifully written, Hannah. Your heart and head write with such honesty and grace.
Thank you for sharing with all of us... it's a privilege to read.
I know it is sometimes sucky to "raise to the occasion," But really- you are so great at it. vince, too.
Beautiful words and photos... I love to see your photos... yes absolutely go for the alphabet mat.. Reu has so many fall overs but they really soften the blow and he just laughs. Funny we have the same red piano as you say! And ironic too reu's heart op was last August and there you are remembering Vivi's journey with her heart. bless you all, love Cx
Happy birthday Vivi. Your words are so very poignant. 9th May was the day we found out and all those dreams felt crushed and yet I now think of 9th May with fonder memories, it's Kristi's son Preston's birthday, and now that day has turned around in so many ways. with love Cx
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