State of my Heart

Oh, my tears.  They have fallen all over town the past month : on an early morning jog, at tea with friends, behind my sunglasses on the school playground, making dinner.

I can look back on my adult life and see the pattern now : my first year teaching, the year following Vivian's birth, Vivian's first couple of years at the school for the deaf, my pregnancy with Luke, and now.  These were all seasons of unknowns that felt uncomfortable and unsettling.  I long for it to be easier for me to wade through these vulnerable times, to not feel it all so deeply, to not emotionally exhaust myself by being - well - me. These pesky tears that spring up at the most inopportune moments and demand to fall down my face are my periodic release from the tense, anxious worry that is the default state of my mind and heart these days.

The truth is, this transition to mainstream kindergarten is harder than I expected (and I didn't expect it to be easy).  Vivian is weathering it well, with her signature mix of tender feistiness and open hearted-ness.  I am weathering it not as well, with my signature tears and literal heartache.  I am fighting my flight tendencies and constantly reminding myself to take the long view (which tends to be my specialty and brings me peace - but I can't seem to stay in that headspace too long these days).

It's that time again : to be brave (my mantra all summer), to grow and learn while experiencing something that matters so deeply to me. But another part of me drags its feet and says "I don't wanna!"  I don't want it to be so hard.  I don't want to wonder and doubt.  I don't want it to hurt.  I want it to be easier.  

This post has been sitting here, unfinished (like so many of my posts from the past few years) for a couple of weeks now.  There isn't a neat and tidy way to conclude a missive on what basically describes the human condition.  I usually land at gratitude - for this life, for the unique mortal experience to grow and be and do better - even when I don't wanna.