I was stopped at a red light the other morning and looked out my passenger window. A woman sat at the wheel of the car in the next lane and raised a tissue to her eyes. She was crying. Not sobbing, not out of control, just quiet tears streaming down her face while she waited for the light to turn green. She looked so sad. I wanted to reach over and rest my hand on her shoulder, to acknowledge her sadness. But I couldn't, of course.
I've always been a crier - a Hallmark commercial, kind words, feeling overwhelmed - the tears flow easily down this freckled face. Sometimes without any warning.
A couple of weeks ago the phone rang, and when I heard my friend's voice on the other end of the call, I started to cry. Nothing in particular triggered the tears, but the kindness of her voice opened a little floodgate. I had a little cry as we chatted and then was done. I felt lighter.
Sometimes when I talk about Vivian, and this journey that we're on, the tears come. Those tears are usually a mixed bag - happy and sad and worried and in love tears. Sometimes they come in a doctor's office, sometimes on a walk, sometimes when we're playing on her Squirrel Nutkin blanket. They usually don't linger - it's a drip and release kind of thing.
If I'm with someone, I'm always quick to say I'm sorry, knowing that my tears are potentially making that person uncomfortable. Today I was talking to a friend and got teary-eyed. I bit my tongue as I opened my mouth to apologize. I thought This is real. And I'm not going to apologize for that. I literally had to tell my brain not to say I'm sorry. I smiled (through my ugly-cry) instead.
I've spent a lot of my life feeling weighed down by or self-conscious of my tendency to feel too much, too deeply. But the human-ness of tears, laughter, compassion and empathy are precious gifts. And I guess it comes down to this: I wouldn't want a friend to edit herself just for the sake of being positive or upbeat. Because being human is full of light and dark; ups and downs; smiles and tears. And I think that is a beautiful thing.
*to cry, in Spanish. Because when I can't think of a title, I write the Spanish word. That's just how I roll.
4 comments:
Hannah- Never censor yourself, or be ashamed of what reactions life can trigger.
You would want Vivian to cry if she felt like it,right? It is a necessary release. Withholding intense emotion can grow to headaches, and bodyaches and all sorts of yucky physical symptoms.
NEVER apologize for showing raw emotion! You are being human; exhibiting human emotion.
If people care about you, they will want to listen to you and support you through your tears (and noises and snot that follows). And that includes me, your little sister. Let the rivers flow, and before you know it, there will be joy and laughing to follow.
Remember: "Winter always turns to spring." <3 tu hermanita
No Ice Princess'in our family!
I cry a lot too - over happy things as much as sad ones. My friends always seem shocked or uncomfortable when my eyes well up so easily and so often. I always end up saying "It's OK..I'm just like that".
I like people that are very in touch with their feelings and I think it's healthy to feel deeply. Don't be ashamed; and don't apologize.
"Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."
Carl Sandburg
As I always say, "I wear my feelings on my sleeeve!" So the many tears I shared with you in room 11 were not just from pregnancy/post pregnancy hormones...I am glad we can shed a tear together!
love Vivian's picture of the week-she is just soooo cute!!
Hannah,
You are a most beautiful soul. Sometimes I read what you write and I feel as if you could be my own child. You are gifted with expressive ways such as your ability to love, tears when you are over the top with emotion, eloquence in your ability to share who you are, and more. I should have half of the gifts you have and I would be content. I saw how special you were when you were a baby and you have never disappointed me. You give more than you ever take. We are all blessed as a result. Vivian will thrive in the glow of her precious Mother's love and care.
Love to you all.
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