i carry your heart

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I was never an athletic kid. I didn't participate in any team sports unless I was required to in P.E. class. And to this day you won't find me joining in any team sport--I'd much rather sit on the sidelines and watch. Which is not to say I don't ever exercise--I've dabbled in jogging, love to walk up big hills and have enjoyed bouts of habitual gym-going.

For about ten years of my childhood, until I graduated from high school, actually, I attended a modern dance class once a week. I was a very shy kid, and even years of dance class pushed me beyond my comfort zone week after week. But I adored the calming beauty of my dance teacher Judith, the live drums or piano that accompanied each class and the chance to be creative.

Judith introduced me to the poet e.e. cummings. She would read us a poem, or even just a line from a poem, and then we'd set off to dance in our bare feet and leggings, fueled by his words. One might think it's strange to dance to a poem not set to music, but e.e. cummings' words have energy and movement. Thus a love affair with his words began, and remains to this day. For years I wrote and signed my name without using any capital letters, inspired by cummings' signature lowercase-laden prose.

Three of my most treasured books are e.e. cummings' 100 Selected Poems (bought in high school, earmarked and written in and rough around the edges), his collection of charming children's Fairy Tales (hard to find, but if you can, grab it--sweet as sweet can be) and the Complete Works that Vince gave me for our anniversary one year (1,100 pages of nearly everything he's published!).

A few days after Vivian was born, a line from one of my favorite cummings poems popped into my head. We had found out that Vivian's heart needed a lot of help, and as I numbly drove to visit her in the NICU, these words entered my mind:

i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart

I whispered these words to Vivian over and over. They brought me comfort. I would venture to guess that most parents would identify with these words. I do carry Vivian's heart in mine. We're forever joined, because my body carried her body and because my soul carries her soul.

Our dear friend Amy read this poem at our wedding, and now it has become meaningful at another of life's junctures. I hope you'll enjoy it, and think about whose heart you carry in yours.

i carry you heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)