I remember saying when I was newly pregnant, aware of the delicate life growing inside me, "This is just the start of a lifetime of worry." I worried that the baby in my belly would be born healthy, happy, with all her fingers and toes. Seasoned moms nodded, acknowledging what I knew intellectually, but I was only beginning to understand with my heart: being a parent entails worry.
But my worry ended up being justified, though I had no way of knowing it then. And now, I can't shake it. There are times I feel paralyzed by worry. It goes beyond sweet Vivian's heart. I worry about things I can't know the answers to now. I worry about the tone a doctor used when he told us some news, wondering if he was telling us the whole truth--or was he trying not to worry us by leaving some important detail out? I worry about a whole collection of "what ifs" and at times I feel I'm drowning in it.
Vince wisely says "Let's not do all of our worrying in the first month of her life." (Vince is my rock.) A beloved NICU nurse said "Just wait til she's 16 and goes out driving with her license for the first time--you'll look back on this time and think her driving alone is more worrisome." I try to cling to these words, give myself some perspective, but the past 24 hours have been tough. Am I just a worrywart or do I have some instinct that I should be trusting?
One of my daily blog reads, sweet | salty ,wrote so beautifully about what being a parent involves. I remember thinking similar thoughts on my drives to and from the NICU, but she articulates it far better than I ever could:
Even with the freshest of slates, getting pregnant requires a huge leap of faith. You may have a glorious labour and a robust baby only to have that same child become sick ten years later. Or, twenty years later, fall in with a bad crowd and become addicted to some vice and break your heart. To become a parent is to become unspeakably vulnerable, but there can’t be true joy, or discovery, or growth, without risk. Everyone knows this, senses it on some primal level — but mamas and dadas like us know it so much more vividly, having been struck by lightening."Mamas and dadas like us..." Yes, we've struck by lightning. Despite all my worries throughout my pregnancy, I really always felt everything would be okay. But it wasn't, exactly--one in 10,000 odds--the lightning struck us. I have to figure out how to keep this worry at bay, because I know it does Vivian and me no good. I know she needs a strong mama who can continue to sing silly songs, watch the crazy squirrels and ponder Vivian's beautiful life with optimism and hope. Without tears and an aching heart.
So, if I might ask a favor, would you think your most positive, happy, kick-ass mama thoughts for me? I need a little kick in the pants.
9 comments:
My dear Hannah,
It is so natural to worry.
I think of our little Vivian as the baby girl who couldn't wait to be born. To start her life outside the womb so she could look into her Mama's eyes and to be held in Daddy's arms. She is strong and impatient! She has a special heart which will not hold her back.
Very soon she will start smiling and giggling and you will melt! I can't wait for her to start saying Mama and Da-da..it will be soon!
Please stay informed - but stay in the present for your sweet little girl. She needs you here with her.
I am reminded of Mark Twain's words:
"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday"
All my love, Granny Lorraine
Dear Hannah,
It's Sunday and it feels like autumn, which put me in the mood for cooking (vegetable soup, millet pudding, and sweet potato & parsnip hash); all this cooking is reminding me of you! So I visited your blog and read Preocupada. Thank you so much for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with us.
As you know, you and I are both worriers; we have that in common! I don't blame you one bit for worrying. But I just know that Vivian will be just fine. Better than fine, she's going to be healthy and happy. I'm not sure how I know this but I just do!
I just started a wellness coaching training this week and we are learning about the concept of mindfulness. It's when you acknowledge a worry or thought that comes in your mind, but you don't dwell on it, and you stay in the present moment. Now, I'm not saying I'm good at this (I'm terrible! Ask Matt!). Reading about your worries reminded me of this.
I have an image in my mind of the heavy weight of worry lifting off your heart, and it allows Vivan's heart to be strong and healthy!
Always thinking happy Vivian thoughts,
Mer
I know that Vivian is going to be a survivor - meeting her on Friday made that very clear. =)
But more than that, I know that you are a survivor and that you are going to get through this beautifully. Your very ability to worry, to empathize, and to put yourself in another's place are the very things that make you such a warm, strong woman and such an attentive mother. I think what you're feeling is how anyone in your shoes would be feeling. Though you might feel like you're drowing in it all, I actually think you are handling it with an overwhelming amount of grace and optimism. It's ok to have down days - there will always be an up one that overshadows it. You're gonna make it!!
xo
*Emily
Hannah,
I have always admired your strength! Of course there will be days that are harder than others-but Vivian is the luckiest little girl to have you as her mom! She could not wait to meet you and see your face to match the sweet voice that sang and read to her. She feels the best when her mama is holding her near the window and telling her about the squirrels. Next year at this time she will be crawling to the window to see for herself and you will be filled with worry as she tries to pull herself up to see and her little legs wobble as she holds on. I have shared with many moms the story of little Vivian and those that know you always say "of all people that could handle this, it is Hannah" On these tough days remember to have faith. Hold Vivian and enjoy her. She will grow up too fast and I don't want you to miss any moment of it.
You are an amazing mom!! We are thinking good thoughts for you, Vince and Vivian!! Love, Joan
Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible.
I think we worry to try to protect ourselves and prepare ourselves. The way I see it, some irrational part my brain thinks that if I anticipate the worst that could happen, and feel some of the grief and sorrow ahead of time, then that will somehow make it easier if the bad thing actually does happen. But of course, it doesn't work that way; the pain isn't lessened at all, and instead I just regret that I felt sad before I really *had to*, if that makes sense. Despite knowing that it's counterproductive, I don't know how not to do it.
Please go easy on yourself, and don't feel like you have to be strong all the time to be a good mom. You've suffered a terrible emotional injury and *your* heart has to heal, too. It will.
My sweet dear friend. It is natural, of course, to worry about our children from the moment we conceive them. And I know it is especially troubling when a worry "comes true", but the next time you find yourself in a worry spiral ask yourself to recount the many times your worries amounted to nothing but a whole lot of worrying :) And then go hug your husband and kiss your sweet Vivi!
Amy
I've been thinking about this and felt without words. Because I know about the moments of worry - mixed with unfathomable joy - then back to worry. And so I guess I can't offer advice because I don't know...but I can say I love you and say that you are a strong woman! strong!
As you well know I too am quite the worrier. I can only imagine how much worrying I'd be doing if I were in your shoes. I am sure your sweet baby will be okay, but maybe you could talk to Heather or even Ron about Vivian's heart? Perhaps a dr you trust & know personally could help ease some of your worries? Love you!
I spent the beginning of The Biscuit's life doing the.exact.same.thing. You are being very normal for the news you have had! Either that or I'm abnormal in the same way. I also tend to expect the worst so I'll be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't happen. Like I was, you are a first-time mom and don't have any other Mama Experiences to compare this with. Even the NICU did not prepare me for open heart surgery and it's recovery period. I can tell you that once I had done the first hospital stay (heart catheterization at 1 month old -- only stayed overnight) all the others were a piece of cake because of little things. We knew which elevators to take to which floor and which door was a shortcut to his room. We knew how to fill out the menus and when the food tray would be coming. We knew about the lovely department that our hospital calls Child Life that brings any toys or videos you could possibly request.
But here is the very best of all. I knew how to read the monitor well enough that when a nurse helped me hold him in a chair to nurse I could see his O2 saturation go to 100. For the first time in his life his sats were perfect because he was in my arms. And it stayed there the whole time he nursed. It dipped back down to 97, 98, 99 when he was put back in bed. That made me so sure that *I* could do this. *I* am the person that is supposed to be caring for him. *I* am who he needs. Everyone else is a tool in my toolbox to help me care for him.
Like I said in my email (was the last week or the week before? They are a blur.) my only regret is rocking him to sleep every nap and nighttime because now I have a heavy 2yo that needs rocking or walking and patting to sleep. Oops. :-) So, worry away, especially if it is your nature, but be aware of the consequences of what you do to soothe that worry.
Take care!
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