December Eve

 I didn't mean to take all of November off.  In fact, I had intended on posting daily about all I'm thankful for (and I'm thankful for so much).  But it just didn't happen.

I've been feeling a little disconnected.  A little uninspired, a little underwhelmed.

Last week I had a little epiphany about why.  Since Vivian was born I have been fueled by adrenaline in some form or another:  I held my new baby in my arms for months - and we didn't know whether she would live or die; she survived the surgery that successfully repaired her heart and then it was diagnosis after diagnosis that eventually added up to CHARGE syndrome; that led to more specialists, more therapy appointments, more surgery, all the while not knowing what the future held.  Would she be able to hear us?  Would kind of communication model best suited her?  Would she walk?  What was our big picture going to look like?  In the middle of so many unknowns and sadnesses, I held on with all my might to the joyful moments (of which there were many).  I soaked them in and let them propel me over the next hurdle.  I recorded them here so that now I can look back and remember, reading between the lines to recall the whole story.

We're now three years in, and we pretty much know what we're dealing with.  The adrenaline that propelled me through that sea of gray has waned.  I find myself immersed more in the day-to-day grit of parenting a three year old.  Please don't misunderstand me - I am thankful, to my core, for this gift of day-to-day grit.  It's what I longed for when I didn't know if I'd ever have it.  But I'm adjusting to life where I'm not wondering so much, not fueled by the surge of intense worry and searching and the unknown. 

In December I'll be counting my blessings and capturing little moments of joy.  (I've missed this space in the last few months when my stops here have been so piddly.)  Now I'm off to make some hot cocoa and popcorn for our afternoon snack...