Parallel Life

My parallel life is drawing to a close.

When Vivian was born five weeks early, there were all sorts of abandoned items on to-do lists and appointments to cancel. In those early weeks as I drove to and from the NICU, I had thoughts like

Today I was supposed to have an appointment to see my midwife--we were going to go over what to do & what number to call when I went into labor.

or

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend tonight--I wonder where we would have eaten? Probably Chinese food.

or

I was scheduled to have a prenatal massage today. I better call to cancel.

Each Thursday that has passed since Vivian's birth marked another week that I should have been pregnant. Another week that I wished and longed to still be pregnant. My parallel life.

Most people say that once you have a kid, you can't remember what life was like before they came. I haven't found that to be true. I remember vividly what life was like before Vivian joined us. The roundness and firmness of my ever growing belly. Walking in the morning with stiff joints. The small bladder. Sitting on the couch with Vince at night, full of hope and growing excitement. The kicks of her feet and her back pushing against the inside of my belly. I remember all of it, feel it, so clearly sometimes that it aches and pulls the air out of my lungs.

When Vivian was in my belly I believed she was safe and sound. I could protect her. Ignorance of what was to come was, honestly, blissful.

On September 27 I would have been 42 weeks pregnant--probably the last day a doctor would let me be pregnant. I would have been huge if I hadn't given birth yet. I'm sure I would have been walking like mad, visiting acupuncturists to work their voodoo, eating spicy foods--all the old wives' tales about how to get your kid to come out when you're overdue. Instead, Vivian will be seven weeks old. I'm lucky if I can get my act together enough to take her for a walk, a visit to an acupuncturist sounds downright decadent, and my eating habits are minimal.

I love having our daughter with us. But I still long for things to have gone differently. In my parallel life they would have. But I'm letting go of that parallel life, because it's the only choice I have in how to deal with what's going on now.